1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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