you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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