i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
