you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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