her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
