Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
