guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
