i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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