my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
