Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
