Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
