I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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