I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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