You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You pole danced in your parka.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
