At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
