Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
