did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
