Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
