Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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