smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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