You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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