your parents love me but you hate me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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