Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
