well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
