You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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