I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
