i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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