sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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