I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
