he thought i was a dude.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
