They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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