Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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