I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
