he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
