I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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