I think I won the penis lottery.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
