I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
