I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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