I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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