Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
