Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
