We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
third nipple confirmed
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
