apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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