Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
