I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
