I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
