so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
