We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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