fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
