I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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