Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
