I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
