Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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