dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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