You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
